Why Are We Not Happy

Why Are We Not Happy?

Written by Lillian Watson

July 11, 2014

Yesterday I was browsing books at the local Books-A-Million, enjoying the nice quiet atmosphere there.  Being the mom of 2 boys and a Cub Scout Den leader quiet is not something I am used to, but when I get to experience it I do enjoy it.  I noticed while I was looking over the Psychiatry books trying to decide if I wanted the Psychopath Whisperer or not that there were a lot of women in the self help, inspiration, motivation (whatever you want to call it) area.  The men were browsing the sports/electronics/DIY area or the magazines.  It got me thinking, are we as women ever happy with ourselves?  Now, I know that there are women out there who might say that they love themselves just the way they are, but we all know that in the back of our brains there is something going, “Man I really do not like my____” or “I need to do something about _____.”  What leads us to this though?

A few years ago there was a video going around on social media sites that had women describe what they thought of themselves to a sketch artist, and then a complete stranger who had just met them would come in behind them and describe them to a sketch artist.  Usually what they thought of themselves was a lot more negative than what the stranger saw.  They were harder on themselves.  Some may claim it was staged, but even if it was it covered something that women today do to themselves.  We over analyze and are never happy.  I will be the first to admit that I do it too.  Hi, I’m Lillian and I’m an over analyzer who is hard on myself.

The part that really bothers me about all of this though, is that we are relying on others through these self help books to tell us how to make our lives better.  The ironic thing about it was that most of the books I saw women picking up were written by MEN.  They were picking up books on how to be a better woman written by a man.  What do men know about being women?  Why do we rely on men to tell us how to be women?  Is part of our problem that we rely on men to tell us how to be women?

I will be one of the first people to admit that sometimes it is nice to read that someone has gone through something similar to you.  I did that when I lost a pregnancy back in 2007.  I purchased a book that was written for a grieving mother.  Is that why we go to these “Personal Growth” books, to understand we are not alone? 

Growing up, most of us had that one friend we could trust and lean on.  Most of us had a group of friends we could talk to.  Now, it seems like as adults many of us do not keep anyone besides family close enough to talk to when we need them.  We might have 1 or 2 people, but not the group of friends that you really trusted when you were younger.  When I got on to Facebook I began to understand why.  Ladies we are hard on ourselves and we do not keep many friends close by because we are MEAN. 

I am not saying that men are not mean, but ladies we are down right mean to each other.  I can now see why women are relying on complete strangers to tell them how to be in a book.  Being a woman in today’s society should have been easier than it was for our mothers.  Instead it is harder because we are not only over critical of ourselves, but over critical of others.  Women used to stand and fight for one another, but today women sit and type criticizing every move other women make.  Women judge others because their breasts are too big/too small, a woman is too fat/too athletic, a woman has a homemade bag/name brand bag, etc.  NOTHING is ever just right.  If a woman goes out dressed up nice she is snobby.  If a woman goes out in sweats she is dirty.  If a woman goes out in Jeans and a tshirt she is lazy.  If a military wife carries a bag supporting her husband she is a dependa.  If she carries a Coach bag she is a dependa.  If she carries a knock off she is a wannabe.  If a plus size woman is at the gym working out she is made fun of because she is not skinny.  If that same woman doesn’t work out she is a fat slob.  If a girl is skinny she is a druggie, but if she puts on weight she is getting fat.  Ladies I know why men write the books, it is because women can not write a book about being a woman since women are over judgmental and nothing is ever good enough.

Many women out there will say, “Don’t put your pictures on Facebook if you do not want judgement.”  So, if we share pictures on Facebook with our “friends” we are setting ourselves up to be judged.  If we do not share pictures we are hiding something, or are not proud of ourselves.  Well, what about those who take pictures of others to shame them online?  They didn’t put their stuff on the internet.  Why are we now judging each other more than any other generation?

One theory I have is that we are judging others because we want to know that others are as flawed as we think WE are.  This goes back to the we do not want to be alone thing.  We want to make sure that we are not feeling like the only loser out there.  The more we criticize though the more judgmental we as a society become.  It then comes  back to bite us in the tush when something we wear/do/have is not “perfect” and we are caught being the newest loser publicly ostracized.  Eventually we all are.

With the over use of social media (and yes, I am very guilty of this) society now has access to what others are doing 24/7.  Instead of only being able to gossip over tea/coffee/lunch, we now have access to gossip and criticism 24/7.  When we are feeling down about ourselves we now have the option to jump on Facebook and publicly criticize someone else so that we feel a little better about ourselves.  What was created as a way to connect friends world wide has become a way to now criticize world wide.  Instead of uniting friends it is dividing us.  More people stay inside on the computer now.  We do not look up from our phones when we are out.  We stay disconnected because we are trying to stay “connected”.

So, do we really need more “Personal Growth” books written, or do we need to disconnect more?  I want to challenge more women to log off Facebook on your phone/iPad/computer/tablet more.  I myself am going to take this challenge because I am on too much.  I log on to chat with friends, but instead I’m drawn to games and stupid vent sites that pop up on my news feed.  I’m challenging myself to log off, and if I want to chat to actually call someone now (amazing concept I know).  I challenge women to log off for a day or two, spend more time with your family, read a book, play a BOARD GAME (you know those things we have in our closets in boxes that we NEVER play anymore because of the electronic versions), go camping, do a craft project, do something OFF of the internet.  Yes, that includes Pinterest.  I also challenge you to look deep inside of yourself and figure out what you do not like about yourself.  Then I want you to talk to your partner or close friend about it and come up with a plan to make you feel better about it.  We cannot stop judging others if we are unhappy with ourselves, but we need to stop judging others and become happy with who we are.  Stop relying on books/magazines/websites to tell you who you should be, and just become someone you want to be and are proud of.  Empower yourself.