Can I Let Him Guide Me?

Can I Let Him Guide Me?
Written By Lillian Watson
August 4, 2014

     I sit here today writing a paper in my general education capstone class.  I am supposed to be writing on a blog, a podcast, and a video that talks about a specific topic.  I get to evaluate them on their validity, if they are biased and applicability of information.  It is really hard to find a valid unbiased blog.  Those of us that write these do so because we want to convey information that we feel.  I know that I try to think well rounded, but it does not always happen.  I decided to step away from the assignment for a little bit to relax and not stress as much over a blog.  I started looking at graduate schools AGAIN.

     If you have talked to me in the past 3 weeks you know that graduate school is on my brain.  It has been for almost a year, but more so these past few weeks as I march on toward graduation.  I do know that I do want to get a graduate degree, but what it is in really hasn't been a "OMG YES" moment.  I have looked into Nashville School of Law.  It is a really affordable and local law school here in Tennessee.  My father knows lawyers that have attended there and enjoyed it.  It was my go to choice from day one.  I knew I wanted to be a lawyer.  That is until I took a psychology class.  Oh the joys of criminal psychology.  I loved the class more than I have ever loved any class prior.  It inspired me.  I read books on criminal psychology in my free time now.  The downfall to this though is that a Masters in Psychology is not really marketable.  Same as a masters in Criminal Justice.  I would need to go on to get a PhD in Psychology to even market myself.  I do not want to be a professional student at all (at the moment) because I do not have the money to go to another 6 or so years of schooling.  So, I go back to law.  It is then that I realize NSL is not ABA certified.  The graduates are able to take the bar in Tennessee alone.  While that might not seem like a big deal because I live in Tennessee it is something I look at.  I do not want to end up moving one day because my husband got an amazing job offer and not be able to use my JD.  So, I look into law schools in Nashville.  This is when my heart drops.  The cost of Belmont is a lot higher than I was really wanting to put out for graduate school considering I get $0 in grants for grad school.  Vanderbilt is expensive too, but they do give a lot of scholarships.  The cost still would be too high.  So, I start thinking outside of what I normally would go for and I research other schools.

      Graduating high school I had my dream college picked out.  I was going to go to Lipscomb University.  I did end up getting to go to my first choice on a full scholarship for a year.  I decided that it might not be too bad to look into LU again for a masters degree.  It was then that an idea that had been spinning around in my head and I pushed back came to the front again.  A masters in theology or divinity.  I really researched that.  OH I was excited at that thought.  It was not just LU I was looking into.  I knew that I could take that Divinity degree and become a Chaplain in the prison system.  I knew it would be a way to help others.  I knew it would impact me personally too.  Then reality sat in.  My family did not support it.  I take that back...my sister was my lone supporter.  I had not completely tossed this to the side until today.  Today I was thrown another curve ball.  The church that I left because I did not feel the support or even acknowledgment that I existed came back into play.  It made its way back into my life without me seeking it out.  It snuck in the back way....through a youth organization.  Now, I am questioning if this is a sign from God as a way of saying, "NOPE". 

     I have been asking the Lord for guidance on not only choosing a program, but a school too.  I have learned a lot from Ashford, but I feel like their desire to actually teach is lacking.  There are a lot of teachers who teach at multiple schools as their way of living.  I do not feel like the teachers really even care about their students.  I have had some great teachers, but I've had complete jerks too.  This is why I am really being cautious about my graduate school selection.  I do not want to end up feeling like a number.  Again, I learned a lot because I studied, but I want more.  Today it hit me though, am I really asking God for guidance, or am I saying the words without trusting him to follow through?  I know that Proverbs 3:5 is really reaching out to me today.  I feel like I might be reaching out to him, but not wanting to give complete control over.

     I am not a new Christian, but I have wandered since I accepted the Lord into my life.  Part of that wandering was anger.  Part of that was I felt abandoned.  Part was laziness on my part.  I feel that this is part of the reason that I am hesitant to give up control completely.  I do know that every time I have hit bottom and finally given up control over a situation he has been there for me.  I do know that as long as I lean on him I can overcome obstacles.  I also know that I am hard headed.  It is why I try not to judge other struggling Christians.  I am not without sin, so I will not be casting any stones right now.  I do want to give this completely over to Christ, but with it being such a big deal it is so hard to.  I want the guidance, but I am like a parent on the first day of school....I do not want to let someone else take care of something so important.  I just need to remember that when I finally let go is when my "baby" can grow.  Then and only then will I seen an answer.

     Has there ever been a time in your life that you knew that you needed to give control over to the Lord, but have been hesitant to do so?  What did you do in that case?